


A Big Hairy Deal

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Crack, Humor, M/M, rapunzel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-06
Updated: 2013-02-06
Packaged: 2017-11-28 09:33:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/672907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Note: underage sex doesn't happen, but Tony wishes it would. He's a very healthy young man. Yes, this is crack, yes, this is explicit sex crack. I recommend you refrain from drinking any liquids that might damage your keyboards while reading this.</p><p>Rapunzel Tony is really really frustrated in the Tower. I mean, really. He complains and he plots and he plans, and then magic happens. </p><p>Happy ending ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Big Hairy Deal

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Howard Stark wasn't a sentimental man by any means, but his wife was young and beautiful and also extremely good at charming investors and socialites, despite-- or perhaps because of-- her origins. Italy was sufficiently foreign to be interesting without being too exotic and if Maria played the ignorant peasant and admired the tipsy guests who told her secrets they thought she'd never understand, let alone remember to pass on to Howard... well, Howard wasn't unappreciative of her value to him.

So when she told him frankly that he was away too often and left her alone too often, he understood there was a price to be paid. He was slightly surprised that she asked him to give her a child rather than look the other way while she got herself a gigolo, but relieved. While he had no interest in children, he thought of it as getting her a pet, something to amuse her with, and something that would be good for his reputation, rather than the reverse. Of course a child would be more expensive than a gigolo, but business had been good.

Being a practical man, Howard had scheduled medical checkups for both of them before embarking on the new project. It turned out that Maria was perfectly fit for motherhood, but Howard's bullets were, sad to say for a weapons' designer, lacking. Biology wasn't his field, so discreet inquiries were made until an expert was found who could, for a price, overcome the obstacles in fulfilling Maria's order. 

It seemed a not unreasonable price to Howard, but Maria made a fuss about it until Howard pointed out that Loki was willing to wait until the child was fourteen before collecting him or her for study, and after all, teenagers are a nuisance, and anyway, maybe by then Howard's lawyers could break the contract; it had some exceedingly dodgy clauses, after all.

***

Asgard's golden towers looked really intriguing the first time Tony saw them, but that was before he found he was going to be locked up in one of them for the rest of his natural life and like the last sled dog, the view wasn't ever going to change for him. Loki had said something about his life probably not being much more than eighty years left to go, 'so quit whining, you mewling quim' and then gone off to go torture something, or maybe play the bagpipes; Tony couldn't really tell from the sound. Loki was obviously working with a defective motherboard.

I mean, really, who goes around kidnapping... ok, not quite accurate, his mother had packed him a lunch and Howard had vaguely promised to write... anyway, taking absolutely gorgeous young twinks from their boring lives only to drop them into another boring life? Loki was crazy, but also hot, and Tony took after his mother with his early maturing hormones and dislike of boredom. He'd had few opportunities for hands on experimentation with a second party and had been looking to rectify that, but Loki had muttered something about seeing the future and 'watching them all burn, bwahahaha' so there really wasn't any hope there.

Loki had given him a room service button, genie in a bottle, magic bell pull? whatever, which would bring him pretty much anything in the way of technology that he wanted, so at least he wasn't totally bored out of his mind, but sex toys? Forget it. As much leather and kinky bondage gear as Loki wore, he seemed not to understand that a young man has NEEDS. So, well, Tony whipped up a vibrator and that soothed him enough that he considered his options. The huge, huge black guy controlling the only way back to Earth had already turned down Tony's virile young body (honestly what was WRONG with these people) so he didn't have a way to get back home, and now that he thought of it, the only thing that upset him about that, beside BEING A VIRGIN for the rest of his life, was that he'd really, really wanted to go to M.I.T.

Loki thought Tony was a mewling quim? He had no FREAKING IDEA. Tony dressed all in black and put on red lipstick and huge purplish shadows around his eyes, and built machines to play his very own compositions of death metal goth satanist music throughout Asgard. Along about the time crystal windows began shattering Loki came in, grabbed him by the neck and threatened to throw him out a window, one that still had glass. Tony was wearing heavy boots with metal buckles, and got a really good kick into Loki's nads. Loki shrieked like a little girl and dropped Tony. 

Tony danced to the music, well, wriggled his ass triumphantly, and bopped around the room until Loki stopped whimpering and looked capable of listening. "I want to go to Mmmm.Iiiii.Teeee," he sang to the tune of 'YMCA', so ok, not death metal, but a gay classic nevertheless. "Loki! There's a place I can go!" Hip thrust and grind. "I said LOKI! When I'm shouting you'll know! I can stay there and I'm sure... I... will... find." Pelvic thrust, hands in his hair, neck arched. "Many ways to have a good time!"

"It's fun to stay at the Mmmm Iiiii Teee!"

Loki groaned and rolled over to his knees. "I cannot send you back to Midgard."

Tony cranked the music up a few decibels. Loki's ears were bleeding a bit. Puny god.

"Stop!" Loki said. He held up his hand. "I can, however, create a simulacrum that you can remotely direct."

"Can it have sex? Can I feel it have sex?"

Loki winced. "You are far too young to harbor such thoughts. I was well over a thousand before ..."

Tony scowled at Loki. "I don't care how long you wore your purity ring. I want to get laid!"

"IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!" Loki shouted back. "But you could learn whatever you wished from this M.I.T. and I'd also teach you what I know of magic."

"Huh. That's your best offer?"

Loki got up and punched a hole through the nearest speaker. "By the laws of the spell that enabled me to bend time and find my enemy, I am not permitted to slay you. But I could leave you with my daughter in her realm."

Tony brightened. "Is she a looker, like you? And does she like younger men?"

"She is queen of the dead and half corpse."

Tony blinked and considered his options. "Remote control M.I.T. doesn't sound too bad."

***

Magic, as it turned out, was responsible for LiveJournal's coding, global warming, and things that taste good when you eat them, but leave a nasty taste afterward. Tony wasn't surprised.

Magic was a bitch, but Tony made it _his_ bitch at the same time he was doing his remote control correspondence course at M.I.T. over the next four years. No one would ever figure out how Tony had made DUM-E, or what the letters stood for. Dimensionally Universal Magical - Entity. DUM-E was STUPID, but he was alive. Tony figured he'd work the bugs out and then copy the essence of Jarvis, the butler he remembered from childhood, to another magical system. Jarvis had been really a great guy, and Tony missed him far more than he did his parents.

Magic liked Tony and he eventually convinced it to tell him how to break the spell imprisoning him in Loki's Tower of DULL. Turned out the reason Loki kept his cold, clammy paws off Tony's tender white meat was simple. As soon as Tony had sex with someone, he'd be free to leave. Great. The only other person Tony ever saw was that frigid bitch Loki. 

Tony could open the window and look down and wave and shout, but none of the people passing by ever took any notice. Maybe if he dropped a piano... if he had a piano. Anyway, that wouldn't help, because the door that Loki used to come and go was only there when Loki needed it. And even if he _did_ get someone to come to his tower, they'd probably have the same ridiculous qualms about sex with someone who wasn't even a centenarian. Tony'd been stuck in this tower for four years! He was eighteen, and STILL hadn't got LAID. At this point he was so totally not choosy he was beginning to wonder if maybe Loki's half corpse daughter would be so bad. He could close one eye.

Then he looked down and saw the most beautiful blonde in Asgard. Well, looking straight down, all he could really see was the long, waving, golden tresses, and the arms. Woah, damn those were fine arms. He bet you could really spank someone's ass red when you had arms like those. He yelled and waved, but blondie never looked up, too busy talking to her friends.

Tony sat down on the stone floor and sulked. She'd probably pat him on the head and say he was too young, anyway. No one ever said that to HOWARD. Huh. Howard had face fuzz. Maybe that would help? Tony seemed to recall his mother saying something about the 'stache. He'd been letting the magic lavatory 'shave' him, because Loki and the big black guy had both been clean-shaven and he was just going along with the norms, but maybe it'd be better to stand out? He wasn't going to be able to grow as tall as Loki, let alone the giant gatekeeper, but even in Asgard, a beard meant you were a man, didn't it?

He went to his mirror and told it to stop removing his beard. He had no idea how long it took to grow a decent beard, but anyway he'd need time to figure out how to contact blondie, and how to get her into the tower. The window let air in and out, and it let him lean out and look down. It even let him drop messages. Which tended to get tidied away by servants almost immediately, but even when someone looked at one, he couldn't tell if they could read it. They certainly never looked up at him afterward.

He needed to drop something that would catch the eye. Particularly catch blondie's eye. He used the magic to make stuff he thought women would like, flowers and jewels and even little bottles of perfume. Blondie showed up around the same time each day and usually waited in the shadow of Tony's tower for her friends. Lunch date, he supposed. He got good at dropping things to land in blondie's hair, but she hardly ever noticed, and when she did, she just brushed it off and went off, arm in arm with her friends.

Tony got pretty frustrated. He upped the ante to silk scarves and lace hankies and the only result was that blondie would pause to gather up the items, look around vaguely and then drop them on a nearby bench for the servants. After a month of gift-bombing, Tony snapped. He gathered up a freakin' huge wad of magic, and made a bilgesnipe appear in the air outside his window, snorting and farting and bellowing. 

"OH, SHIT!" Tony realized as the multi-ton beast hurtled down, aiming to land directly atop his would be love. "NOoooo. No gravity no stop, don't!" He covered his ears but the SPLAT and sudden lack of bilgesnipe noises made it obvious that yes, even in Asgard you obey gravity. It is the LAW. He whimpered as he crept over to the window and looked down. "Ugh." Dead splattered bilgesnipe was not an improvement over live, snorting bilgesnipe. The carcass moved. Tony blinked. An arm that Tony recognized after a month of loving observation emerged from beneath the bilgesnipe's hairy gut. The bilgesnipe lifted up and was flung to one side. Tony's blonde stood up, bloody and gloriously angry if the arm waving and hair flying was any indication.

"God, you're magnificent." Tony leaned out of the window. Blondie FINALLY looked up after two months of trying to get her attention. She had blood on her face, and bright blue eyes. Tony couldn't see much beyond that because of the distance. And he supposed she couldn't see much of him either. Oh, let her see his beard so she doesn't think he's some kid pulling pranks. He pulled in more magic and sent it to make his beard grow. He put all his willpower (and a lot of his won'tpower) into it. His beard twisted and writhed and grew, and grew and... "Wait, stop, enough!" and kept growing until it was tugging him out the window by the weight of it and he ran around one of the columns in the room to tie it up, while he kept trying to stop the hair that leaped and flew out of the window.

"Oh, shit, oh shit oh shit," Tony said as the hair jerked and tugged and ... "Oh." Tony peered out from behind the column as blondie climbed up Tony's beard and came in through the window. "Oh, hey, you're a guy. Blond. Not blonde. Not that you can hear the difference." 

The huge blond warrior strode towards Tony, scowling. Despite the blood and bits of bilgesnipe, or maybe because of it, Tony thought he was the sexiest thing ever. He opened his mouth to say something witty and seductive, but what came out was, "My God, you're enormous. Look at those arms. Spank me, baby, I've been so bad."

The man stopped and stared at Tony. "You are of Midgard. What do you here in my brother's tower?"

"Loki's your brother? I would have never guessed. Guy's a stone cold fox, but emphasis on the cold, whereas you, you are one smokin' hot hunk."

"Thank you. I think." The man frowned. "You have not answered my question."

"Oh. Loki sort of bought me from my parents and locked me up here about four years ago. Something about future plans to rule the universe, yadda yadda, and I was the one fly in the ointment or something. I didn't really listen because Loki hasn't got all his oars in the water." Tony added to clarify it, "He has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express. Bats in his belfry? His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top? Not the sharpest knife in the drawer?"

"Ah. Loki is... different." The man shrugged. "He's adopted."

"Uh huh." Tony was drooling a little. He couldn't help it. The guy was just... so... very... yeah.

"I am Thor," the man said. He came up to Tony and pulled out, from a scabbard hanging at his side, a knife the size of Tony's arm with a _WHEEP_.

"YIKES!" Tony yelped, and fell on his ass as the knife sliced through the beard about a foot in front of his face. "Thanks. I think." Tony patted himself down to make sure nothing else had got chopped off.

"I will see that you are safely returned to the bosom of your family on Midgard."

"Uh uh," Tony said, watching the muscles flex in Thor's arm as he returned the knife to storage. "Can't do that, sorry. The spell won't let me until it's broken."

Thor frowned. "Loki's mischief is becoming a nuisance. Do you know how this spell may be negated?"

"Uh huh," Tony said, reaching out to pat Thor's arm.

Thor looked down at Tony. Tony smiled up at Thor and waggled his eyebrows and ran his tongue over his lips, wetting them. Thor blinked. "Oh. It's one of _those_ spells. Fine. We shall bathe first." And then he picked up a hammer and spun it around his head and it began RAINING inside the tower. With thunder and lightning and wind. The whole shebang.

Tony stood there with the water dripping in his eyes and his mangled beard hanging in ragged clumps. "You know," he shouted over the storm and Thor's wild laughter, "I see the family resemblance now!"

The storm ended as suddenly as it had begun. The room now smelled of ozone instead of bilgesnipe, which was a big improvement. Thor grinned and started taking off his armor and leather, which was a HUGE improvement. Tony scraped his hands over his face, doing a quick magic sculpt to give himself a sexy VanDyke and then he started stripping off his own clothes.

Thor scratched at his belly, and frowned at Tony. "You are tiny. Are you then, a dvergar?"

Tony considered various protests but what came out of his mouth was, "Um. I don't know. Is that a good thing? Because if it is, then yes."

"Dvergar are small people who work metal. My hammer grew under the hands of a dvergar," Thor said.

"Oh, yeah, in that case, I'm definitely an Avenger. I'm sure I could make your hammer grow." Tony grinned and demonstrated with both hands on Thor's really nice dick.

Thor laughed and picked Tony up to kiss him. Tony had never kissed anyone with a beard, but then since he hadn't really kissed _anyone_ he didn't have much basis for comparison, so all he could think was that he liked it. Prickly, but nice. He wrapped his arms around Thor's shoulders; they were wet, but steaming, Thor was like a human furnace. He wrapped his legs around Thor's waist as well. "I want to climb you like a tree," he said in the brief interval between kisses.

"What kind of tree?" Thor said even as his big, warm hands went down to fondle Tony's ass.

"A hard wood," Tony said, rubbing against Thor with all the enthusiasm of four years of _want_ and an intimate familiarity with a custom-made vibrator. Thor didn't seem to have the slightest difficulty with Tony's weight. "You're so strong. Could you fuck me up against the wall? The bed's one big wet spot."

Thor didn't bother answering. He strode to the nearest wall and pressed Tony up against it. "Does this wall meet with your approval?" One of Thor's big fingers investigated Tony's ass, sliding in easily because Tony had been calming his nerves with his latest invention, the Earthquake. That vibrator really rocked Tony's world. He was going to patent that sucker once he got back to Earth, and be acclaimed a benefactor to mankind-- peoplekind-- it was, like Tony, omnisexual.

"Oh, yeah." Tony moaned and wriggled. "Go for it, baby. Put the hammer down. I've got the wide open spaces for you."

"There must be something wrong with the Allspeak, Tony. I do not understand you." But Thor grinned wickedly and shoved three fingers in deep and twisted his hammer-wielding developed knuckles around like a melon baller.

Tony may, or may not, (depending on whether you ask him or Thor) have let out a high-pitched shriek that set Garm, the bloody-mouthed hound that guards the gates of Hel, to howling. The fact that Loki's door appeared in the wall right next to the entwined couple could have been a coincidence, Tony argued later. The fact that Loki emerged from the door while chewing on a ladyfinger and wearing a green lobster bib marked 'Hel's Deli' would be a little more difficult to dismiss.

"THOR! How dare you enter my room and play with my things!" Loki shouted.

Tony was about to protest that he wasn't a thing, but Loki made a sort of mystic wave with his Glow-in-the-Dark Gandalf staff and all the loose beard hair lying around the tower in waves and coils glowed black light green and turned into a vine with huge sharp thorns all along the length, leaped up, wrapped around Thor's neck and threw him out the window.

"HEY!" Tony yelled as he slammed down into the stone flagged floor, deprived of his blond. "I wasn't done with that!" He got to his feet and glared at Loki.

Loki lifted his lip in a sneer. "I see I was too kind to allow you to retain your mortal form. Perhaps I should turn you into a glove." His staff glowed green.

"Oh, bring it, bitch," Tony said. He was just so damn PISSED he didn't care about anything. He grabbed the Earthquake and made it glow blue and grow to match the length of Loki's staff. "You want to dick around with me? I'll show you dicking around!" He lunged forward and they began something very like a lightsaber duel, only, you know, with pointy spear and dildo-shaped glowy bits.

Loki had the reach on Tony, not to mention more experience with magic, but Tony fought dirty, so it wasn't quite as uneven a match as you'd suppose. Still, Loki tripped Tony and set the end of the staff against his throat as he lay there on the floor, scrabbling after his vibrator-dildo. "Gonna fuck your shit up!" he declared defiantly.

"You and what army?" Loki sneered.

Then there was the crash of lightning, and Thor flew in the window, using his hammer like a helicopter, and dripping shredded thorn vines. "The ARMY of ONE!" Thor yelled, and brought lightning down to blast Loki across the room. 

Loki lay there, gently smoking, and making little kitten meeps. Thor dropped his hammer on Loki's chest. "Stay there, brother!"

Tony considered getting up, but Thor was on top of him kissing and groping, pulling his legs up and spreading them and actually, the floor was good. Leverage. That sort of thing. Tony had no idea how long Loki was going to remain hammered, and didn't want to waste time being picky about a little thing like lying in a puddle. Honestly, he knew going into it that he was going to be the one lying in the wet spot.

Thor grunted and shoved in. 

Tony yelped a little, only a little, in a manly, appreciative way, and locked his ankles around Thor's back and hung on for the ride. "Wheee!" he yelled, spitting out a mouthful of blond hair as Thor pumped and humped and things got so hot the water on the floor steamed. Tony thought getting fucked in a sauna was pretty amazing. His dick slid along Thor's sweaty, smooth, hard abs, so tight pressed he really couldn't get a hand in and didn't really need to, because wow, his next dildo was definitely going to be modeled on Thor's hammer. He'd be so fucking rich. 

Thor hit Tony's sweet spot with an extra jolt that felt a whole lot like the time Tony had experimented with a badly insulated electric dildo, except that this just made him harder, and lit up all his bonus point pinball bumpers. "Yeooow!" he screamed enthusiastically, while Thor provided basso profundo back beat, and Loki's little meeps whimpered in the gaps between. "Thor, Thor, oh, God, Thor!"

"Yes!" Thor rumbled and fucked harder. There was lightning all around the room now, and Tony's hair was also standing on end. The whole tower was shaking. Tony saw his whole life flash before his eyes. Not the part he'd already done, which was frankly, pretty boring, but the future! So shiny! And so MUCH FUCKING! Tony screamed as his orgasm hit and he was flying on a rainbow with Thor still hammering away until everything stopped.

Yeah, Tony was sure everything stopped. His heart, his breathing, even the LIGHT stopped and he could see the individual photons pausing to stop at the gas station for directions. Then everything slammed back into reality and he was lying on the living room floor of Stark mansion with Thor lazily giving him a few aftershock pumps. There was a muffled thump, and Tony smelled scotch, adding a sharp tang to the sweaty cum aromas he and Thor were blasting all over the place.

Tony rolled his head back to see his parents standing in wide-eyed shock, Howard's hand still curved in the shape of the tumbler of scotch that was now lying on the plush shag carpeting. "Hi! Look who followed me home. Can I keep him?"

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt here:  
> [ Tony/Any - Rapunzel](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/11264.html?thread=25866240#t25866240)
> 
> Tony has a tower. Someone has shut him up in it with a guardian (could be JARVIS? Or Loki. Or Obie.). He's grown his hair (or, IDK, his tech) long and lets it down to bring up his lover. Who the lover is and whether there are, you know, thorns or whatever, all up to you. 
> 
> Porn: do want. Go.


End file.
